Let Fear Ride, But Don’t Let It Drive: finding The Courage to Live Fully.
“I wish I could say the fear is gone, but it lingers, sometimes burning brighter than the light inside me telling me to keep going. It’s something I have to work at each day to overcome. But I believe life is worth living. Where will it end if I stop here and give up because I got scared? I refuse to let fear steal the joy, freedom, and sheer delight of trying new things.”
Fear can feel like a trick mirror.
You know the ones, at the carnival, where your reflection bends and warps, twisting your image until it’s almost unrecognizable. Some fear is like that. It distorts our perception. It makes small risks seem bigger than they are. It makes the gap we need to cross seem wider and impossible to cross.
But not all fear is like this. Some fears are sharp and clear, rooted in past trauma, real danger, or deep betrayal. Even after the threat is gone, those fears can live on in our bodies like a memory waiting to be released. Whether distorted or real, fear is one of our most powerful emotions—our body’s built-in alarm system, designed to keep us alive. Fear has its place and purpose. But fear left unchecked? It multiplies.
After a serious cycling crash a few years ago, I was left with concussions, four surgeries in two years, and an emotional wound that caught me off guard. It disabled me temporarily, physically and mentally, and took away something I had just fallen in love with: cycling. Some assumed I’d never ride again. Others asked, “How could you?”
But for me, the answer was clear.
My freeze response
I’ve known fear. Let me rephrase that. I know fear.
For about a decade, I let fear run my life, and I became frozen by it—shrinking, staying small, mistaking stillness for safety. When I finally named it, faced it and took steps to look it dead in the eye, I vowed I’d never go back there. So, after the accident, even though fear still coursed through my body, I chose to breathe, move, and reclaim joy. I anchored myself to one truth: life is worth living fully, and fear doesn’t get to call the shots.
I still know fear. I know it intimately—as a mom, as an athlete, as an entrepreneur. But now, I don’t fight it. I look at it and I listen. I’ve stopped treating fear as the enemy and started treating it as a companion—one that doesn’t get to drive, but is allowed to ride along.
And that shift? It changed everything.
I’ve learned that freezing, fleeing, fighting, fawning—none of those responses actually releases us from fear; they only work to repress it. And while they might be soothing in the short term, the longer we hold them down, the more power they gain.
For business owners, fear shows up in risk, decision fatigue, people management, conflict resolution, and economic instability. This week, a client told me he couldn’t make payroll. Had to abandon his expansion plans. Watched three contracts fall through. The financial strain? Real. The emotional toll? Crushing.
That’s not just “business fear”—that’s human fear. It’s not theoretical—it’s lived and felt.
And yet... worrying about something before it happens? That’s just worrying twice.
The cascade of courage
Sometimes fear is immediate, lived, and happening in the moment; it warrants a big response to move us to safety.
Recently, I had a client who confronted their abuser, face to face, nearly 30 years later.
In this case, it wasn’t a ‘trick mirror fear.’ This was real fear, rooted in truth, trauma, and history.
He didn’t just wake up and do the impossible. He had trained for it. Not in a gym. Not in therapy alone. But through every decision and action, big and small – divorce, loss, sobriety. Each time he faced those fears, he reclaimed a piece of himself, his power, strength, and autonomy. But here’s the thing: he built a resilient life in the years leading up to this very moment. When he was ready to confront this coward, what propelled him forward with strength and clarity it wasn’t a single act of bravery—it was a lifetime of resilience built on quiet, courageous moments.
That’s how courage builds. That’s how resilience is born.
One breath. One step. One choice at a time.
Combatant or companion?
So here’s the real work:
When fear shows up, can you meet it—not for what it might become—but for what it is now?
Ask yourself this:
Is fear my combatant? Is it a real, immediate threat I must fight or escape?
Or, is fear my companion, a messenger, a signal calling me to pause and pay attention?
If you can’t emotionally make sense of it by naming it, try feeling it. When fear speaks, it typically begins with the body.
A clenched jaw. A racing heart. A shallow breath.
If you can slow down enough to listen, you can begin to discern: Is this fear here to protect or teach me?
Every moment we meet fear with presence becomes a brick in the foundation of a more resilient life.
Fear might not fully vanish. Sometimes, it’s a ‘trick mirror fear’. Sometimes, it’s the scar tissue of lived experience. But we reclaim more of our power every time we face it.
Three tools for facing fear
Here are three tools that are effective in managing fear.
1. Find your breath: meditation and box breathing
Fear often hijacks the body first. Box breathing (inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4) sends a signal of safety to the brain. Practicing mindfulness helps bring us back to the moment instead of spiralling into imagined futures.
2. Shrink it: creative visualization.
Fear can take root in our bodies. It settles in the chest, head, or heart for some people. Set aside three minutes each day. Picture your fear as a shape. For me, it’s a clenched fist. Now, slowly open it, finger by finger. As the fist loosens, feel your nervous system soften. This somatic visualization helps externalize and then release fear. Sometimes, just seeing it differently makes all the difference.
3. Name it and reframe it
Fearful thoughts are often distorted. Catch them, question them, and reframe them. Instead of “I can’t handle this,” try “This is new, and I’m learning.” The brain is neuroplastic. With coaching, practice, and intention, we can rewire old responses.
These tools are all part of my REPS model for building a resilient life. REPS encompasses the Relational, Emotional, Physical, and Systems we need to face challenges with courage and clarity.
